Must. Do. Better.

WOW, I'M THE MOST HORRIBLE.

No. Really. I am so completely terrible at following through on things sometimes. This whole process started off really great, then all went to shit a few months in. And then my Irish-ness kicked in and I pushed it waaaaay down into the "this never happened" section of my brain. I'm sure some of my buds can relate to that feeling.

I've pretty much come to the realization that my life is and always will be, a shit show. There isn't going to be a day that goes by that I'm not stressed about something, or worried about this, that and the other thing. There are always going to be problems, big and small, that I face every day. I just need to figure out how to deal with them better so I can balance my life a little better. I'm honestly ok with my life being a shit show, it makes for a lot of laughs and the things that are bad just make me a stronger person.

Between family, work, friends, derby, my on-again off-again relationship -- my plate is always pretty full. I just need to find some time everyday to do something

It would have been super easy to just delete this blog and start something fresh. But I need to see and feel the shame that is my abandoned blog. I need to see my feels. And just fucking get over the pity party and get my shit together.

So, I've taken a few steps towards doing this.

1.) Still completely vegetarian, no meat/fish and I went vegan for about a month and a half so I know I have the capability to have some sort of will power. I also bought a sweet juicer, bro. So I've been trying to incorporate that into my diet as much as I can.

2.) My friend Nicole and I just signed up for the Warrior Dash for June. This is basically a 5K obstacle course. Jumping over fire? No big deal. Army crawling through mud? Fuck you, that sounds AWESOME. Realistically  it might be the dumbest thing I'm ever going to do, but I want to do it because it's motivation for me to get my ass back in some semblance of shape. I'm looking forward to getting my ass kicked over the next few months.

What I think I'm going to look like.

What I'm ACTUALLY going to look like.

3.) I signed up for my FIRST EVER yoga class tonight. I'm not really nervous about it, but I know this isn't something I'm going to own. I have zero flexibility, I'm loud, I have no idea how to really fucking relax -- I'm not sure if this is going to help me, or just annoy the shit out of me. Either way, I'm willing to give it a shot and try it out. What I've really learned about myself is I do WAY better working out with groups, or in classes. I basically just need someone to tell me what to do, and I'll do it. I'm not great at working out on my own.

I'm at that point again where I need to start feeling good about myself, and I don't. I mean, I feel great about myself as a person (Jesus, who WOULDN'T like me?), but I'm not psyched on my body. And I've been really bad about getting back into the swing of things. The biggest problem for me is that our derby schedule changes week to week, and we don't normally find out what days we practice until the week of. So scheduling workouts for the month, like I did back in June really doesn't work. I'm going to need to make an extra effort to really plan out my week and figure out what I can squeeze in for workouts, or I'm fucked.

Failure to Launch.

Yes. I admit, I've been putting off writing this because I feel like a big fat kid failure. It's been a really weird/rough few months. And instead of just owning up to it earlier, I'm just now getting around to quasi-explaining why I suck at life.

I've had several personal problems pop-up over the last month including a break up with my boyfriend and moving into a new place. Needless to say, it's been difficult for me to find any motivation to work on myself physically because mentally, I feet like shit. Between commuting, packing, moving and settling in, I just couldn't bear the idea of putting on my spandex and hitting the pavement (and/or living room floor with some workout DVDs). And the funny thing is, I probably would have felt so much better if I just sucked it up and worked out, but I just didn't care. There were (and still are) a few other things going on that I don't really care to get into, but basically the last month or so has been a total waste.

I'm now at the point where I feel like I can't do this anymore. I am starting to feel really shitty about my body again (I would weigh myself to see if I gained weight back, but I don't know where my scale is packed). I am ready to get over this sad hump and get back into working out again. Even if it's not at the same level as it was before, I can't just sit around anymore and feel sorry for myself. I'm afraid that now I'm starting from scratch again, and that it's going to really suck. But guess what? I totally earned that.

The last few nights I've gone out walking/running (this weather is honestly perfect for it). I downloaded a free C25K app for my phone and just bit the bullet and started last night.

I tried this about a year ago and felt like a complete asshole. I could barely make it through half the workout before I was like "Ok, running isn't for me" and never tried again. But, I can say that last night? Total success. I did the first day of the training and had almost no problem with it whatsoever. I strained some leg muscle from a few nights ago and so running with that was a challenge, but not once did I stop. And after the minute of running I thought "I want to just keep going", which I've NEVER in my life thought I would say.

After posting that I finished the workout to my FB page, I got encouraging comments from people saying I should sign up for a 5K, the thing I might fear the most. I am not a runner, by any means. But, maybe I could be with some work. So, I'm pulling the trigger. I'm going to sign myself up for a 5K (probably sometime in December so I can feel prepared). Anyone is welcome to join me, or offer a suggestion on which one (I don't want to have to dress up as Santa...)! I feel like having that as a end-goal will be super helpful in getting my ass back into gear. Between that, and training the freshmeat in our off-season, I should be active enough to not make a total fool of myself come December. I'm still going to try to do other training on off-days to crosstrain, but ultimately, I need to stop being a whiny bitch and just shut up and workout again.

Dear July: I totally kicked your ass.

Well, maybe that's a bit dramatic. But I do feel PRET-TY damn good about myself today.

Number one, I'd like to apologize to Bash because I couldn't wait to take my measurements until 7:30pm tonight. The anticipation would have killed me ALL DAY. So, like a crazy person, I did it at work. Well, the measurements I could take by myself. I also came to realize that my first measurements I didn't do right, so there are some that I can't really compare.

So, without further ado....

August 1st

Weight: 185.6 (I was at 191.2 July 1st)

*I should also note that I was too embarrassed to put that in May (right before I stopped eating meat) I was at 198lbs -- stupid, I know. So coming down almost 13lbs is pretty fucking rad.

Measurements:

Bust: 42"
Chest: 37" (this is one of the ones I didn't do correctly -- I previously measured my squished down bust so this is the REAL chest measurement. I'll just have to compare going forwarf)
Waist: 35"
Hips: 41"
Thighs: Left - 25", Right - 24"
Calves: Left and Right - 17"
Forearms: Left and Right - 11"
Upper arms: I'm going to have to have Bash measure later because I can't do that myself!

But, to summize what I CAN compare -- I lost about about 6lbs and I went down 2 inches in my hips and 2 1/2 inches in my waist!

HOORAY!

Basically, this is what I wanted. Results. And it motivates me to keep going and push harder because this is a pretty damn good feeling. And I know I have so much more to do, but being able to see results is so helpful no matter how small they might be. Bring it on, August. Lets see what you got for me.

I'm baaaaaaaaaaaack!

Attempting to enter back into real life. It's wicked hahd.

Well, to say that our vacation was awesome is really an understatement. I didn't realize how desperately I needed a solid week away until it happened. But the problem was, I didn't want to come back. No jk jk, I miss my buds and fam so I'm happy to be home. It's just hard to get back into the swing of things.

First off -- we got CREAMED by Montreal. Like, badly. Good news? Totally won MVP. Not a bad way to start off our vacation and an excellent belated birthday present! I know I worked my ass off, those ladies from Montreal are no fuckin' joke! I can't believe how much they've progressed in the last 5ish years. Well, I can. I've played them almost every year and I know how hard they are. Kudos to you gals! Can't wait till we face off again!



Totally have a sweet ass medal hanging from my rear view mirror now.

After Montreal, we spent a fun 7 1/2 hour car ride through Quebec and into Maine. We did a million things while we were there and yet, there are still a million more things I wish we could have done! Food wise, I did pretty great actually. We only went out to eat twice: once a vegan/veggie friendly burrito joint, and the other a seasonal vegan restaurant that was to die for. The rest of our meals we cooked at the cabin! So I really didn't pig out the way I would have imagined on vacation.

As far as exercise is concerned: I felt like I didn't do a whole lot. Then Tommy reminded me that we basically were active the entire time. We walked all over the place, and hiked a few trails. Our kayak tour got canceled due to high winds (BOO!) so I missed out on that opportunity. But all in all, I didn't feel like crazy bloated mess when I got home after the week.

Oh yeah, and we climbed this. The Beehive.

See those little flecks of color? Those would be other people climbing. It was a super steep climb up the face of the mountain, iron ladders and rungs included. And to be honest? I knew about this trail but just assumed I couldn't do it. Because I'm fat and out of shape and my back hurts and I don't have Gene with me and I suck at life. Blah blah blah. But after a blueberry mojito I promised Tommy that we'd go the following day and I'd do my best. I should also mention that I'm terrified of immediate heights (ladders, standing on chairs, etc.). As terrifying as it was, we both survived and got to the top -- a little more sweaty, but with a lot more pride. I stood at the top of that mountain and almost starting hysterically laughing. I couldn't believe that I had just done that and that I did it without being like OMG I CAN'T. It was super challenging and ultimately scary as hell, but I did it. And celebrating a small (or to me, large) victory like that is beyond words. I made that trail my bitch and lived to tell the tale. So I'm really going to try to remember that when I feel like I can't do something. I don't want to make excuses anymore, I don't want to give up. I can do whatever I want. DAMMIT. And also? I make those sweat bands look GOOD.

Last night, I had absolutely no idea what workout to do because my calendar was at my desk -- so I decided to switch it up a little bit and pop in one of the Jillian Michaels Kettlebell DVDs that has been collecting dust on the shelf. Now, I remember doing this last year and feeling like I was going to die. This time? I fared slightly better...but holy shit do my legs hurt today. I could barely walk up the stairs last night after the workout was over. And the sad thing is, I only used a 10lb kettlebell -- are you serious? I am a weakling when it comes to upper body strength. I'll get there though, just need to be realistic. Tonight I'm back to Cardio X and then derby later this week. But, we're getting pretty damn close to August 1st. That means a weigh-in and new measurements.

Imma scared. But I'm not going to get discouraged if it's not what I want. I need to realize this is a way of life, not just a quick fix so I can just go back to being lazy again. I really want to start taking things into my own hands though to change things up. I want to go hiking and kayaking. I want to try paddleboarding and rock climbing. I might honestly suck at it, but who cares?! I just want to do it to see. Now that derby season is winding to a close, I need to find new fun activities in our "off-season" to keep me distracted and busy. So lets hear your ideas! Any particular places you love to go to hike? Want to teach me how to play frolf? No, don't. I don't want that. But seriously, give me your ideas -- I want to make my own workout bucket list. LETS DO THIS 'MERICA!

Day Whateverthehell.

I know I know, blog. BLOG DAMMIT.

Shit's been pretty crazy around here, and keeping up with everything is a stretch.

Update: I'm doing just ok. Or so I think. I don't really feel like I'm losing all that much or that I look that different. My brain is starting to play that "Fuck you, you can't really do this. What did you think was going to happen?" I know that I'm doing ok. But I know I could be doing better.

There was only 2 days so far that I had to skip a workout. One was due to my back, I just knew I couldn't push it any further. And the other was the other night when I was supposed to scrimmage, but I wasn't able to. I'd give you the details, but it's way TMI and no one needs to read that first thing in the morning.

I also think that my body is sabotaging me, as I'm going on vacation next week. Something about that seems to have slowed all motivation, when it should be ramping up. We're planning on doing a lot of outdoor activities like hiking and kayaking, so I'm not super nervous about being a fat load all week. We're also planning on cooking most of our meals at the cabin instead of eating out every night. So I'm also not nervous about that. I guess it's just that this isn't part of my "normal" routine, so it's scaring me a bit.

I finally told my brain to go fuck itself yesterday and re-did the Spartan 300 workout. And I did it the right way this time. Oh, did I not mention that I was doing it wrong? My bad. Well, I was switching up the exercises: 15 walking planks, 15 squats, 15 walking planks, 15 squats, etc. But you're supposed to do the full 30 each time. Going into it, I figured my time was going to be ridiculous -- but I ended up with 17:11! Which wasn't that far off from the last time I did it (incorrectly) at 17:04. So I was definitely happy about that. I guess I'm just now at the point where I really hope that this will pay off once I measure myself again. I know that my weight number won't change dramatically because I'm probably building more muscle and that'll even out the weight number. But I just want to see SOMETHING. Something that's smaller for fucks sake.

Good news is, while today is my birthday, I'm at work and have SFOD practice tonight so I can't get myself into too much trouble. And then I have a 1/2 day tomorrow and I'm running about 3498 errands, then we're OFF to Montreal and Maine! I cannot wait to just shut down and have a week to ourselves. It's going to be the greatest.

So I'll update as soon as I'm back from vacation -- hopefully I won't be too much of a lazy douchecanoe ;)

So, I lied.

I didn't get a chance to do that Spartan work out the other night. I dreaded it all night and when push came to shove, I just felt like I wouldn't be able to execute it well enough for me to be happy. I'm finding that with all these intense back-to-back workouts, my back and joints are paying the price. Don't get me wrong, I love that feeling of muscle soreness when you know that you just worked your ass off the day before, but this isn't that.

My back is pretty sensitive to all the jumping around that I've been doing, and in reality, it's because I carry around so much weight and my core isn't very strong. So I don't really have an excuse or anyone to blame but myself. But it can be pretty defeating when you try to do something and can't because of an injury. Twice this week, I've felt like I wouldn't be able to 100% do a work out that was planned because of the pain in my back, so I just modified. Instead of the Spartan work out, I decided to do about an hour of activities on the Wii Fit (I know, not exactly the same) -- yoga, SUPER Hoola Hoop, strength training, etc. Then I did the Ab Ripper X video from P90X. I know one of my biggest issues, is my core. I mean, I want to get rid of my gut for sure but in terms of back pain, you need a really strong core to keep it all together. The stronger my abs are, the better my back will feel. So I try to throw that DVD in when I have extra time.

Had a annual physical this morning and my doctor told me she could see I've lost weight since the last time I saw her. A big part of that is just me not eating meat anymore, but I told her that I'm trying to be active everyday and she's a big fan. She was at one point a rugby player so she completely gets me. She's condones the no meat choice, so that was good to hear. I also got my depo shot injection so my right arm is completely useless today (can't wait for SFOD practice tonight! haha).

Trying to drink a million gallons of water and eat right, sometimes I slip with carbs but I'm only human. I definitely feel like my legs are getting way stronger. I'm trying really hard not to weigh myself, as it's easy to get discouraged if you're not seeing weight loss. I've definitely gotten on the scale and had a "sad face" moment, but I'm just trying to work through it and not look at the actual numbers. I sometimes have nightmares that when I go to measure myself again, I won't have lost any inches. I'm REALLY hoping that I lose something, ANYTHING or I'm going to be pretty fucking embarrassed.

Ok, enough bitching and complaining. Tonight, SFOD practice. Don't hit me in the right arm teammies. Please and thank you!

Days 5-9

Alright, so I'm not good at blogging everyday. Cut me some slack.

I feel like between work, derby, home, friends and family, there aren't enough hours in the day. That, and I hate sitting in front of a computer any longer than I have to. Once 5 o'clock rolls around, I skip out the door into glorious sweet freedom and to HELL with the computer. So apologies, blogging isn't exactly my forte.

Let me try and actually remember how days 5-9 went because to be honest, it's hard for me to remember what I did an hour ago let alone a few days...

The 4th of July, as you may have read, did not go so well. In terms of working out and in terms of diet. I mean, I did great on the food front. A TON of grilled veggies (sweet potatoes, corn, portobello mushrooms, zucchini, veggie dogs, etc.) and a piece of blueberry pie with soy vanilla ice cream. But, cut to the booze. Oh the booze. Tommy's parents make amazing mai-thai's and unfortunately that temptation was too much. Then we headed to my friend Salty's in the South End (check out the sweet view below! too bad it was pouring during the actual fireworks...) where I had a few more beers. It wasn't good. I rarely drink during the week, and unless I'm actually OUT on the weekends, I don't drink on the weekends. So I just need to find a good balance when I'm out, set a limit for myself, SOMETHING. Because I can't just think that's gonna work out in the end.

Thursday was much, much better. I did ok with my meals and we had our Skate Free or Die (SFOD) practice where I basically got no break. And honestly, I felt fine. I was frustrated because we're trying new strategy but I wasn't like HOLY SHIT I NEED TO STOP. Which I felt really good about. I mean, try skating in a warehouse that gets heated up like a microwave during the day and skate for basically 70ish minutes straight. I'd say it was probably about 90-95 degrees in there, and trust me, I was SOAKED when practice was over. It was gross. But I survived!

Friday was my "rest" day, which was good because my legs were screaming at me. I again, did well with eating and that was pretty much that for Friday.

Saturday I did our "Day 7 Workout". Even though it wasn't technically Day 7, that's what I've come to call it. It's in the same family as the Spartan work out video I posted a few posts back -- a series of exercises you need to time and see how well you do overall (breaks included). So I threw on my Wham! Pandora station, rolled out my mat and did what I had to do! For those of you wondering what a Day 7 Workout entails...

3 minutes jump rope

10 sets of push-ups in descending order (10, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1)

3 minutes jump rope

20 burpees

3 minutes jump rope

30 squats

3 minutes jump rope

This, on paper, looks simple. DON'T BE FOOLED. It's not. I actually had to adjust the 3 minute jump rope sets because my back was getting a bit crunchy. So I'd do a minute jump rope, a minute running in place high knees, a minute running in place low knees. I'm hoping that at some point I can just do what's written, but for now I have to just do what I can do.

Total time: 19:47 -- not terrible, but not great either. It's one of those things I'm gonna have to just work on week to week to get a better time. I mean, when you break it down, you're straight up doing 12 minutes of jumping rope, so really I got the rest down to about 8 minutes. Push-ups are and always will be my frenemy, that's all. We don't have to be besties, but I am going to make them my bitch.

Sunday was an ok day -- originally I had Cardio X in my calendar, but my right calf is just being a pussy. So instead of jumping around on it and aggravating it even more, Tommy and I went for a 3.3 mile walk around our neighborhood. Which was really fun because I had never seen that part of Melrose before, but there it was! One of the things I've decided on recently is to begin a search to buy my own home (because really, I need more activities in my life). I'm really just sick of throwing my money away on rent, so I figure it doesn't hurt to reach out to a realtor and look around. So far I've met a great realtor named Julie who has been SUPER helpful and I'm waiting to finish up my application for a mortgage pre-approval so I know what kind of price range I can look for. Needless to say, I now treat my walks like I'm on HGTV's House Hunters. "Oooh, this one's nice" "Look at that nice yard!" "Oh I bet that has a nice kitchen." They love the word 'nice', don't they? But seriously, tell me that if you're out for a walk at night in the suburbs that you're not looking into people's homes. Come on.

Tonight is round 2 of my Spartan workout and I'm hoping that I get a better time, we will see! My work load this week seems to have tripled, so getting to blog frequently might just be a pipe-dream. We also have some bigguns coming up shortly:

-Tommy's 30th Birthday next Wednesday

-My 21st (HA) birthday next Thursday

-SFOD invades Canada on the 21st! (<3 you Montreal)

-MAINE VACATION!! Probably the thing I'm looking forward to the most. 6 days of peace and quiet in Southwest Harbor, ME. Sorry world, I won't be checking in that week. I'll be too busy reading and hiking mountains and kayaking and eating at cool vegan restaurants in Bar Harbor. SUCK ON THAT.

Yeah, this is where we'll be. Try not to get *too* jealous.

So essentially, if I'm slow with the blogging, I'm sorry. I'm sure you'll live. :)